How Working as a Phone S*x Operator Changed my Understanding of the Erotic
It’s a strange thing, talking to strangers about sex. I joined a site called NiteFlirt before I ever stepped into one-on-one intimacy work, and have continued to moonlight as a phone sex operator when bookings are scarce.
I’ve learned a lot about the nature of eroticism from these calls. If you spend enough time listening to people describe their desires, you begin to realize that each sexuality is a fingerprint—an intricate pattern formed from a lifetime of experience. No two are ever alike.
The men that call—and it is always men— primarily want something simple and nonthreatening. The conversational equivalent of fast food, or a porn compilation. Some want to hear me describe my body, feeding their mind’s eye with details they can amplify in the privacy of their own imagination. Others barely want me to speak at all; they only want presence, a witness to their pleasure.
For all my callers know, I’m ALWAYS dressed like this.
Some call to lie, mostly to themselves, spinning tales of sexual adventures too extreme to be believed. Some call to confess real secrets, hoping I’ll punish them as harshly as they punish themselves. I never do. I meet these wounded ones with compassion, and sometimes (to my twisted delight), they break open. I enjoy drawing emotion out of wounded men. Maybe I’m deluding myself, but I believe provoking outbursts of anger, grief, or laughter is more productive than feeding shame.
There are lots of men who call for three minutes just to beg me to fuck them from behind, and a few men who stay for hours discussing fetishes so complex and psychological they become entire worlds. They indulge me with the subtle architecture of their turn-ons. These long, cerebral conversations are my favorites. They have taught me the most, and brought me the most pleasure— the brain, after all, is our largest sex organ.
Sexuality is More than Just Sex
A few months ago, driving down to New Mexico for an intimacy retreat, I found myself on a 90-minute call about a fetish I had never encountered before: a religious fantasy centered around a female-led church that echoed the structure of Mormonism.
What fascinated me wasn’t just the novelty of the idea—it was its structure. His fetish was almost completely asexual, yet profoundly erotic. Like all fully fledged kinks, it contained four interwoven threads: the psychological, the emotional, the physical (or sensual), and the spiritual.
His fantasy was so delightfully fleshed out I asked if I could share it here, to demonstrate the importance of targeting all four components of erotic energy. It’s a useful goalpost for clients interested in erotic ‘depth work,’ or those at an advanced stage of personal erotic exploration.
An Erotic Breakdown
The Four Components of One Client’s Fully Fledged Fetish
1) Psychological
Primary Psychological Components: Ceremony, Hierarchy, Total power exchange intrinsic to ritual
My client was aroused by his idea of the church. His sexuality was deeply rooted in psychological arousal; even though the theme of the fetish was religious in nature, the structure of the fetish was intellectual. He was more turned on by understanding the system and building his internal world than imagining being inside it.
2) Emotional
Primary Emotional Components: Dissonance, Unease, Discordance, Dysphoria, Tension, Suspense
He played with emotional tension by teasing his discomfort, even rejection, of the power structure. He enjoyed the cognitive dissonance of imagining transitioning from a patriarchal world into a matriarchal one. The resistance to change, the frustration of being cornered and disempowered, was a central part of his arousal.
3) Physical
Primary Physical Components: A white ceremonial cloth, The texture of cheap polyester ritual garments, The sheen and greasiness of anointing oil, An overwhelming smell of incense.
There were very few physical/sensual turn-ons in his fetish, which is part of what made it so fascinating to me. I’m a highly sensual person who tends to focus primarily on physical sensation in my own fantasies and play, and it was delightful to discover someone who was largely uninterested in that kind of stimulation.
The scarce sensual elements were subtle but potent. Nothing explicitly sexual, but still very erotically charged. In any case, he was more interested in the emotional and psychological meaning attached to these sensory elements then the sensations themselves.
4) Spiritual
Primary Spiritual Components: Reverence for the untouchable, Inaccessible femininity, Divine femininity, Inevitability of Divine Ordinance
The core theme of a religious fetish is, of course, spiritual. For this particular client, religion offered a framework and was not in and of itself erotic. He was not turned on by the act of worshipping so much as the concept of the church itself.
I want to emphasize that this conversation was extremely erotic, and yet involved no genitals or direct sexual contact of any kind. His arousal was almost entirely psychological. He admitted to occasionally using a white cloth to masturbate, but usually preferred talking about and building his fantasy to actually achieving orgasm. To deepen his immersion, he even used ChatGPT to generate vivid images of televised mega church congregations, young priestesses performing ceremonies at high school football games, still dressed in their cheerleading outfits, baptisms. He sent me a few of the images— they’re quite evocative.
What struck me most was how fully he allowed himself to interface with his erotic energy, free from judgment about what desire “should” look like. After speaking with him, after stepping into the contours of his world, I found myself getting excited imagining different ceremonial scenarios, different power dynamics, new layers to the structure he offered.
The Intimacy of Not Projecting
My client’s sexuality couldn’t have been more different from mine, but that difference wasn’t a barrier. It was an invitation to expand my understanding of human nature, one I took eagerly and with deep appreciation.
Taking the time to listen—really listen—without projecting my preferences created an intimacy as real as touch. It allowed us to play in his erotic landscape, not mine. And being seen and understood within your own fantasy space can be more powerful than anything physical.
I always try to emphasize to my newer clients that there is so much more to eroticism than sexual fulfillment. Without the psychological, emotional, sensual, and spiritual dimensions, erotic experiences will inevitably feel incomplete. It’s often difficult for people just beginning their erotic journey to understand their desires. Everyone combines those aspects differently. There is no single formula. No universal “turn-on.” No one-size-fits-all. Fostering curiosity around these four components and begins the journey toward true fulfillment.
Vulnerability is the trust of a Baptism.
Let Go, and Let Yourself Go There
What I wish—what I ache for, after spending hours repeatedly describing my tits, ass, and pussy—is that more of the men who call me would give themselves permission to be completely free. Completely curious. Completely… NERDY! There’s a surprising amount of shame tied to enjoying something in meticulous detail. Our culture discourages it— after all, “nerd” is usually derogatory. God forbid someone get deeply, passionately interested in anything.
But where eroticism truly thrives is in nuance and vulnerability.
So if you ever decide to call me on NiteFlirt, please—be a nerd. Bring me your theories in lurid detail. I want to hear it all.
For me, the greatest arousal is in exploring new worlds, together.
Want to call me on NiteFlirt? My Erotic Hotline is open!
Call me directly: 1-800-863-5478ext: 14423032
OR follow this link to my profile. Hope to hear from you soon!
