Healer, not a Hustler

My work means a lot to me; I care deeply about the wellbeing of all of my partners, regardless of whether money plays a role in our relationship.

When someone chooses to share intimacy with me, be it emotional, physical, or psychological, I am inevitably filled with a deep sense of honor. True openness takes immense bravery! I believe it is important for me as a provider to recognize the risk a client takes when they open up to me for the first time, and initiate real connection by first opening up myself.

And so it hurts, when I get scammed.

The instinct of any animal when attacked is to withdraw. Imagine a dog approaching a stranger for the first time with the optimistic hope of getting a good belly rub. The dog projects friendliness by wagging its tail and keeping its body relaxed; everything about its posture and behavior says “Let’s be friends!”

Now imagine the stranger’s reaction. Perhaps they lure the dog in with a smile and an outstretched hand, maybe holding a tempting treat like a promise. The dog, encouraged, approaches closer. Its tail wags faster.

And the stranger, out of nowhere, withdraws the treat. They stop smiling. And then they kick the dog.

Classical conditioning tells us that if the dog continues to be kicked every time it approaches a stranger looking for friendship, it will soon learn that strangers are dangerous, something to be avoided. Perhaps it will even begin biting outstretched hands, until truly well-meaning humans can no longer touch it safely.

All of us are susceptible to this kind of conditioning.

The role of the self-aware individual is to recognize destructive default patterns of behavior (such as lashing out at strangers) and counter them with constructive positivity. Instead of getting angry at someone who takes advantage of my time and energy, I respond with even more openness. Because classical conditioning goes both ways.

I, in my own small way, am training the trainer!

There is history, after all, underlying all behavior. None of us is born a scammer. Years of experience injure some of us to the point where the only pleasure we can glean from life is that which we steal from other people.

So when I remain friendly and optimistic towards the person who lures me into scheduling a full-day session, with the promise of enough money to cover my rent for a month, only to ghost me after calling me some rather unkind names, I am attempting to heal them. Because that is my true nature.

I am a healer, not a hustler.

Of course, I still need the money. Our culture is not one that values self reflection and walking the path of  enlightenment.

Beauty, sexuality, money.

Power.

These are the things that rule the ‘modern’ world. So that’s what I’ve been forced to sell.

People happily buy into the cute flirty 20-something with a penchant for rope bondage and feminine lingerie; the introspective nonbinary neurodivergent physicist is a little more… gourmet.

I will happily peddle fast food in order to make ends meet. It’s fun! I like dancing on camera and chatting with people online. I am as much the flirty femme as the physicist; neither of these aspects is a lie. Just slightly different perspectives on a multifaceted and ultimately unknowable whole. Projections that utilize different colors from my palette.

Ultimately, I would like to paint with every hue available to me.

For now, I strive to protect my energy. I still remain optimistic about finding clients who are willing to journey beyond the sex and explore the true nature of BDSM with me. The seekers. As long as I continue to meet every stranger with the openness of a friend, we will find each other eventually.

And slowly change the world, together.