Do No Harm

Well, the inevitable has happened. I’ve caused my first play-related injury.

Realistically, it’s the best possible scenario; it was during joyfully rough play, in a (relatively) equal power dynamic, and is an injury I’ve dealt with personally in my vanilla life. Chances are my partner will make a full recovery with a few ibuprofen and some rest.

We’ve followed up with each other, they’re not terrified of me, I’ll see them again.

I’ve dealt with worse as a trip leader; kids getting overzealous with a new pocket knife and accidentally whittling a little off their thumb, dislocated shoulders, a minor fracture, severe hypothermia, a hundred burns.

I’ve dealt with worse as a vet tech, watching patients go agonal and then pass away under my direct care.

But something about the fact that it was during play hit differently.

We were in a situation of clearly defined mutual trust. Unconsciously, I had promised to do no harm. And harm was done.

Objectively, it’s clear I haven’t accepted that the principles of RACK/PRICK go both ways. It is worlds easier for me to accept the mistakes of others than my own, to really hurt myself rather than someone else. Masochist, much?

Not only is it the responsibility of the sub (or bottom, in this case) to accept the fact that they may BE harmed, but the Dominant (top) must also be comfortable with the fact that they may CAUSE harm. Ideally without crippling self-doubt or blame.

It’s unfair to expect perfection from myself. Damage is inevitable. Intellectually I am prepared for far more to come (especially as I continue to feed my addiction to rope).

But as a child raised by deeply narcissistic parents, I instinctually feel… unsafe when anyone under my care is hurt. My subconscious screams that it is ultimately MY responsibility to keep everyone happy, regardless of the personal cost.

Finding my power means holding space for the fear of my inner child. Comforting them like I was never comforted, and being the type of person that is unafraid of owning their mistakes with confidence.

I will not allow myself the luxury of punishment.